会议如何在职场搞破坏
Business
商业版块
Bartleby
巴托比专栏
Called to disorder
遵守会议混乱秩序
The very many ways in which meetings sabotage the workplace.
会议如何以各种方式在工作场所搞破坏。
In January 1944 the Office of Strategic Services, an American wartime intelligence agency, issued a short document.
1944年1月，美国战时情报机构战略服务办公室发布了一份简短的文件。
The "Simple Sabotage Field Manual" offered advice on how ordinary citizens in occupied Europe could disrupt the German war machine.
《简易破坏实操手册》给欧洲沦陷区的普通公民提供了如何破坏德国战争机器的建议。
To cause physical damage, the guide tells the "citizen-saboteur" to use everyday items like salt, nails, pebbles and candles as weapons.
要想造成实体上的破坏，这本指南告诉“公民破坏者”，可以把盐、钉子、鹅卵石和蜡烛等日常用品作为武器。
This bit of the guide is a window into historical derring-do: dried-up sponges that can expand to plug sewer systems, jammed locks on unguarded buildings, various references to emery dust.
这本指南的这一部分展现了历史上的一些蛮勇行为：干燥的海绵可以吸水膨胀到堵塞下水道系统、无人看守的建筑物的锁可以堵死锁孔、金刚砂也有各种用处。
But the guide also outlines a less direct sort of sabotage, which is alarmingly familiar to anyone who works in an office today.
但该指南还概述了一种不那么直接的破坏行为，如今在办公室工作的人对这种破坏行为非常熟悉。
This form of obstruction involves behaviour that confuses, demoralises and delays.
这种形式的故意阻挠包括做一些令人困惑、打击士气和拖延的行为。
Manager-saboteurs should ensure that three people have to approve things when one would do.
经理破坏者应该确保一个人做的事，必须要由三个人批准。
Employees should spread disturbing rumours.
员工应该散布令人不安的谣言。
Everyone should "give lengthy and incomprehensible explanations when questioned".
每个人都应该“在被提问时给出冗长且令人费解的解释”。
At some point a wartime effort to hurt the Nazis appears to have been mistaken for a serious guide on how to run the modern workplace.
在某种程度上，战时打击纳粹的努力似乎被错当成了如何管理现代职场的严肃指南。
No bit of the manual is more recognisable than its advice on how to turn meetings into weapons of mass distraction.
手册中没有什么比下述建议更让人眼熟的了，即如何将会议变成大规模注意力分散武器。
Hold them when there is more important work to be done, it urges.
手册敦促，当有更重要的工作要做时，正好举行会议。
Talk as often as possible and at immense length.
会议上发言要尽可能多、尽可能长。
Reopen questions that have already been decided.
已经决定了的问题要再次讨论。
Bring up irrelevant issues whenever you can.
只要有机会，就提出一些不相关的问题。
It's hard not to read all this and ponder if your own organisation is being targeted by an enemy.
读完这些建议，你很难不会怀疑自己的组织是否正成为敌人的破坏目标。
And once that thought enters your mind, you also start to wonder whether all sorts of behaviour reflect instructions in a revised edition.
一旦有了这种念头，你也会开始怀疑，其他各种行为是不是也来自修订版指南里的教导。
Call hybrid meetings whenever possible to maximise inefficiency.
尽可能召开混合会议，以最大限度地降低效率。
If you are in the room together, initiate side conversations to sow confusion among remote attendees.
如果你们在同一个房间里，就在一旁开启另一场对话，在远程与会者中散播混乱的种子。
If you are on Zoom, unmute yourself slowly or not at all.
如果你使用的是Zoom，那就逐渐地取消静音，或者完全静音。
Pretend not to be able to hear anything even when you can.
在能听见的时候也假装什么都听不见。
Look baffled.
露出一脸困惑的样子。
Put on eight different pairs of headphones.
换八副不同的耳机。
Shrug theatrically.
然后戏剧性地耸耸肩。
Entire geological eras can pass in this way.
这一套动作下来，整个地质年代都过去了。
Alternatively, dial into the meeting on your phone, unmute yourself and put the phone in your pocket. Go for a long walk.
或者，用电话拨入会议，然后取消静音，把电话放入口袋，然后去散步很久。
If this is done right, a single person can force tens of others to abandon a meeting.
如果操作无误，凭一己之力就可以迫使十几个人放弃开会。
Always turn up to meetings a few minutes late.
开会时总是迟到几分钟。
This is especially important if you hold a senior role.
如果你担任高级职位，这一点就尤其重要。
Nothing will happen until you get there except for some awkward interchanges about weekend plans.
只要你还没到，就什么事也做不成，人们只能尬聊一下周末的计划。
If discussions have started, ask for a recap.
如果你来的时候讨论已经开始，就要求同事总结一下讨论的内容。
If you have co-conspirators, stagger arrival times so that you are constantly going back to the beginning.
如果有和你一样迟到的人，那就错开你们的到达时间，这样就能不断地从头开始。
Don't have an agenda. Just turn up and look expectant.
不要有会议议程。只要人出现，并且看起来一脸期待就行了。
If there is pre-reading, don't do it.
如果开会前有要读的材料，不要去读。
Never agree on action items or take minutes.
永远不要在具体行动上达成一致，也不要做会议纪要。
If there is an agenda, take advantage of "the law of triviality", a rule of thumb coined in 1957 by Cyril Northcote Parkinson.
如果有议程，就利用西里尔·诺思科特·帕金森在1957年提出的经验法则：“琐碎定律”。
This refers to an imaginary committee whose members are asked to decide on proposals for a nuclear power plant and a new bike shed.
这指的是一个虚构的委员会，其成员被要求就核电站和新自行车棚的提案做出决定。
Lacking expertise in nuclear power, the committee nods the plant through.
由于缺乏核电方面的专业知识，该委员会就批准了核电站提案。
Where everyone is an authority, like the bike shed, endless debate ensues.
而当每个人都是权威时，比如讨论自行车棚，随之而来的就是无休止的辩论。
Whatever your version of the bike shed is-coffee machines, Oxford commas-bring it up early.
无论你对自行车棚的看法是什么--关于咖啡机也好，关于牛津逗号也好--尽早把它提出来。
If you are giving a presentation after someone else, take an absolute age to find it.
如果你在别人发言之后要做展示，一定要花上一年的时间去找你的PPT。
Faff around in the wrong folder.
在错误的文件夹里忙碌地瞎翻。
Act as if you can't see the slide-show button until someone else points it out.
假装你看不到幻灯片的放映按钮，直到别人帮你指出来。
Say things like "there are no bad ideas", so that everyone offers up their own bad ideas.
说一些“没有烂想法（什么想法都能提）”这样的话，这样所有人都能发表自己的烂想法。
At the end ask "does anyone have anything else?" and wait for as long as it takes for someone to fill the silence.
最后问“还有人要补充什么吗？”，然后就一直等着，直到有人打破沉默。
Hopefully, it will be about the coffee machine and everything will kick off again.
希望那个人又开始说咖啡机的事情，然后讨论又重新开始。
Conclude by saying that you think it has been a very useful meeting but don't specify in what way.
会议结束时说，你认为这是一次非常有用的会议，但不要具体说明在哪些方面有用。
If you are behaving like this inadvertently, listen to the latest episode of Boss Class, our management podcast, to find out how to run a meeting better.
如果你在无意中做出了上述行为，那么请收听我们的管理学播客《老板课堂》的最新一期节目，看看如何更好地召开会议。
If you are trying to cause disruption, your cover is blown.
如果你在试图制造混乱，那么你的卧底身份已经暴露了。
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发表于 2023-11-29 01:52:25